Kissing This Big Fat Ass Goodbye

Time to weigh in...

2011-05-29T09:30:00.000+01:00

Well it's time to weigh in, after a week on track.... mostly but with a trip to Frankie and Bennys! And a week of the 30 Day Shred. It'll be interesting to see how my losses do this week. I'm not really expecting a big one to be honest, maybe 2lbs. Need to up my water a LOT, that might help get things shifted because I really don't drink enough. I drink plenty at work but not at home really. Did a 9 hour shift yesterday and doing 6 hours today, surely that burnt off like 20lbs?! Felt like it anyway lol

Well it's time... I better go jump on those scales!

18st 9lbs... 2.75lbs down from last week. It's a good loss but I am a little disappointed to be honest, I wanted to be in the 18st 8lb range as I was 9lb yesterday. Oh well! Lost 1 inch from my hips and half an inch from my waist. Getting there, slowly but surely.

Day 3 of 'the Shred'

2011-05-25T13:49:00.000+01:00

Well today is day 3 of the 30 Day Shred. Not posted in a few days, so will have to do an update from the beginning!

Started the Shred on Monday, took my measurements before hand...

Weight: 263
Bust: 47in
Back: 39in
Waist: 40.5in
Hips: 51in
Arms: 15in
Thighs: 25in

Hopefully, in 30 days they'll all be at least a few inches smaller!! I might try and hold off doing my measurements until the 30 days are up instead of every week.

Day 1 I found a lot easier than I expected to be honest. It was definitely a hard work out, but I got through it all. Bought a Heart Rate Monitor with my tips from Saturday night and turns out I burnt 485 calories during that half hour, way more than I expected! I could do about half the push ups but totally failed at the bicycle crunches at the end, did about 2! Just had nothing left to give.

Day 2 was alright, had a little ache left over in my abs from the day before but got through it ok. It was both easier and harder at the same time! Could feel the burn more because I'd done it the day before, but doing each action was a little easier. Did most of the bicycle crunches at the end this time but flopped on the second lot of push ups, my arms couldn't take anymore!

Day 3 was so so! Was definitely the hardest of the 3 days because I could really feel it from the day before still. Half way through I wanted to just give up, I thought hell I've down 2 days, that's good, 2 and a half will still be good! But I pushed on, even though I didn't think I'd be able to and got through it all. I did much better with the push ups this time, I still didn't do them all though, I think I did 13 first round and 6 or 7 the second round. The bicycle crunches went pretty well, stop for a few seconds towards the end though. I have to do them faster than them, I find that if I'm too slow I find it far more difficult! Only burned 460 calories today, don't think I gave it quite my all like I did the past 2 days but I think I gave it all I had at the time!

Having a major attack of confidence today! There's a guy who has been showing interest in me and has mentioned meeting up for a drink, we've not met before as we've been chatting on Facebook through a mutual friend and then by text. Part of me thinks yeah it would be good to meet him. The other part of me thinks that he'll meet me, think oh I didn't realise that you were so fat and run a mile! He's lost weight himself, I don't know how much, can only tell by Facebook pics but it's at least a few stone. I just know that I'm very picky with my Facebook pics and so I'm not sure they really represent me, they do me too much justice and I'm far fatter than I look in any of them! I think it's one of these situations though where I'm always going to have something undermining my confidence levels and so, unless I want to regret never meeting him, I'm going to just have to bite the bullet and get on with it. I can't wait until I'm another stone down or this size or this weight. My life starts now, not when I reach my goal weight.

Update for the week

2011-05-23T10:09:00.000+01:00

I haven't posted in my blog/diary for a while, so I'll do a quick update for the week. Overall, the week went pretty well and I stuck to calories. I didn't do nearly enough exercise though, for some reason it just went out of my mind and I lacked the motivation to get on with it. To be honest, not done a huge amount for the last 2 weeks, even though I lost well last week I haven't done so well dropping the inches and I think that could well be because of the lack of exercise. Will have to get back on it!

My biggest news of the week is that I got on to my PGCE course!!! So unbelievably stoked about it! Definitely need to keep on with losing weight for when I start. I don't wanna be the fat girl. I want to be thinner, more confident and make friends more easily than before. I start in exactly 16 weeks today. If I lose 2lbs each week, I will hit 231lbs by the 12th of September, so I'd be 16st 7lbs for the start of my course and my birthday 2 days later! Now, I'd like to lose more by then but I don't want to push myself for a harder target. But if I'm upping my exercise, it could well be possible to. If I lose between 2 and 2.5lbs a week, then I could hit 16st, a nice round number (though I'd still have a not so nice round body!) and would be great. But we'll see, I'm not going to officially set myself any goals for it because if I don't meet them, I don't want it to knock my confidence when I start. So I'm just going to do the best that I can do by then and whatever I weigh then, as long as it's less than now, will be good.

I had a really difficult time towards the end of this week. A 5 year, very close friendship had to come to an end and obviously, after 5 years, that was really hard. I'm still not particularly ok about it, though I understand that it had to happen. I'll get there. It did mean that one day, as a bit of a cheer myself up I said that I'd take my niece out for dinner - I was sitting with her because everyone else was out and didn't want her to be by herself all evening. So we went for chinese buffet and I wasn't quite as restrained as I should have been. There wasn't huge damage though so it could have been worse!

Had my weigh in yesterday, did alright but not really the kind of result that I like but after my chinese splurge I probably can't really complain. Lost 1.5lbs, an inch from my hips and half from my waist and back.

Am starting the 30 Day Shred today. It might well kill me though but I've got to at least try it! Will update later on how it goes!

Survived the weekend!

2011-05-16T08:08:00.000+01:00

I posted yesterday at how I saw temptation everywhere food wise, yesterday especially. And I really really did. Everything I saw, I wanted. My dad bought some haribo and chocolate white mice to take to a friends house for their kids today and I found myself looking at them thinking, well I could just eat a few, knowing full well that it wouldn't stop there, and then buy a new bag. But I thought no, I won't in case I don't replace them in time. Then I popped to Tesco for a few bits and found myself looking at the calories on all of the packs of sweets there weighing them up but they were still all too high and somehow I found the will power to put them down. Then I did the same with trifle. And a doughnut. And pancakes. And about a million other things. The important thing here though is that I looked at the calories, didn't just put it in my basket, then made the informed decision about them. Somehow that decision was always no!

Something in me really has changed because I don't think that 5 weeks into calorie counting I've ever managed to stay this focused, determined and motivated or had this much willpower before! I'm not complaining of course, just don't know why! Jumped on the scales this morning and they read at 18st 12.5lbs, 0.75lbs down on yesterday so all the reassurance that I need to know I did the right thing yesterday avoiding the chips and other baddies!

2011-05-15T14:10:00.001+01:00

Today is a haaard day! I guess I should start at the beginning.

After a good week loss wise each day I've been quite looking forward to weighing in today. Final result... 18st 13.25lbs. Is no reason that I should have put on 1/4 of a pound since yesterday but I'll take it. Means I'm 0.25lbs off a full stone off again now. So that wasn't a bad start to the day really, didn't really see any changes except for half an inch off my hips.

But the rest of my day just seems to have gone downhill and I'm in a terrible mood! I don't even know why! I've had the first weekend off in 2 months and every plan I've made as fallen through so I've done nothing with my weekend really, feels like an absolute waste. I'm unlikely to get another one for quite a while, so I'm quite disappointed by that really. And just sick and tired of my job taking away all of my weekends, it's not how it was meant to be, it's not what was discussed at interview.

Popped into a couple of shops today and just keep seeing things that I want to eat. Greggs. Marshmallows. Poppets. Haribo. All the things that I can't have. Or I can but they're so high in calorie that I won't. I'm sick of calorie counting today and just want to eat all the things I shouldn't. At least I said no to chips earlier when my parents got some, could have been the start of a downhill spiral!

I really don't know what's wrong with me today but just not a happy bunny at all but my day started out fine! I think I might just hide myself away today, best all round I think.

2011-05-14T10:57:00.000+01:00

My scales are driving me up the flipping wall! They seem to be so up and down sometimes I never know whether they're giving me a proper result or not! I always put them in exactly the same place and sometimes they're fine and others they play up no end. They aren't cheap ones either, they were like £40!

Today I jumped on and it said 19st 0.75lbs, then again 18st 11.75lbs, then again 18st 13lbs and it gave me that last one 3 or 4 times in a row, so I'm going to go with that for my daily little weight chart. It's just ridiculous though. Why is it so hard to find reliable scales?! I'm really hoping that the 18st 13lbs is a proper result! Because if it is, I'm in the next stone bracket AND I've lost 1 stone in 5 weeks! Weigh in is tomorrow, so it's all unofficial at the moment anyway!

I've been so tired the past 2 days, I'm wondering if I've been over doing it with the exercising, not that I've been exercising that much to be honest. But I'm having to learn that at the time it might not feel like a lot, but those few days afterwards I'll still feel it. I just want to be normal! :(

I've decided to start offering a dog walking service locally. Walking is good, it's not too intense so I can handle it a lot better so it would be a good build up to more exercise. And could be some extra cash, which is always good! Anything that's extra cash and gets me out of this house at the moment has to be a good thing!

It's falling off!

2011-05-13T09:20:00.000+01:00

I'm actually having a really good week this week. I'm managing to stay with things, I'm making good decisions regarding food, I'm avoiding things that don't fit in with my healthy eating, I'm trying to drink more (doing well but need more!) and most importantly, I've stopped snacking!

Jumped on the scales this morning and I'm 19st 0.25lbs, I started the week on Sunday at 19st 3.5lbs so that's 3.25lbs so far with 2 days left to go! Monday I had a STS, since then it's been 0.75lb off every day, 1 day was even 1lb. I mean, I'm not complaining... I want this big fat ass gone as soon as possible! It just seems to be falling off very quickly this week. Maybe I'm just due for a big loss as I had -1lb, then gained 0.5lb from being away not sticking to plan at all then -1.5lbs, so not big losses. Like I said, not complaining just surprised at how good a week it is!

So in 0.5lbs I'll be in the next stone bracket down and in 1.25lbs I'll have lost a stone, in 5 weeks... can't really complain! I'd like to get to 18st 13lbs by Sunday. The way this week has been going it's possible but I don't want to get my hopes up! But if I do, I'll hit the next stone bracket and a full stone lost both at once which would be nice!

I'm working 6pm til 11pm tonight which means I'll be kept busy and won't be too tempted to get snacking which is good. I think today I might either go for a walk or do some more of my exercise DVD. I like going for a walk but I prefer doing it with someone else, or with a dog. I keep trying to persuade my parents to get a dog so I can take it for walks, not sure it's working though!

Ooh new dress!

2011-05-12T18:26:00.001+01:00

I've had a pretty good day today. Managed to stay on track, didn't have anything I shouldn't. Had a bit of Rhubarb Crumble after my dinner but a small portion and all within my daily calories so it's allowed!

Not done so well with drinking today or the past few days really. I'm drinking more than I normally do but still not really enough. I'm working tomorrow night, always seem to drink more when I'm working so hopefully tomorrow I'll get back on track with the drinking.

Went into town this afternoon for a little bit of a wander just for something to do really seeing as I've been off work the past few days. Ended up seeing a really nice dress in one of the shops for only £10. Looked at the sizes - 12, 16, 18. I'm not really sure what size I am at the moment, top end of a 20 probably. Tops I have in 16-20, bottoms vary too but not quite hit 20 there yet. I did try some dresses on in Sainsburys last week though and the 20s fit. So I was faced with the option, don't buy and miss a bargain or buy and slim into. So I went for the second one! Here's the dress...

It's my niece's 18th birthday party on the 23rd of July, so 2 and a half months away almost. My plan is to fit into this dress for that party! Hopefully having this will keep be motivated to keep on track, might keep it hanging on my door to remind me.

Those scales again

2011-05-12T08:12:00.000+01:00

I posted the other day about my love hate relationship with the scales. I'm starting to realise that actually, it's more of a love thing than a hate thing now! Before, if I saw it go up or not change I'd get really disheartened and sometimes ended up cheating. Now I'm more like well ok, today/tomorrow I need to work harder, do some exercise etc. It's no longer something to throw me off course, it's something that motivates me to push harder!

I jumped on the scales this morning and they're down from yesterday to ?st 1lbs and it really is such a great feeling and it's definitely something that keeps me going. I'm starting to like what I see, I don't like the stones number but the pounds number is coming down well, less than 2lbs off the next stone down now!

So it's like that little push that I need to keep going, but I think I need to start weighing myself less. I don't do it just once every morning, sometimes I'll do it a few times a day whenever I go into the bathroom. Scales help me but I don't want to become obsessed by them! So I think I need to try and start keeping to once a day each morning.

So I'm now down to ?st 1lbs, that's 2.5lbs from Sunday and 12lbs in total since I started on the 10th of April. To be honest, that's not too great as I had a bit of a dud week where I lost 1lb and then gained 0.5lbs the next week because I didn't calorie count at all. So it's a little annoying that I could already be in the next stone bracket down but hey ho, that's life, learn from it and move on! I've lost 2.5lbs so far this week, I know it's really pushing it but if I could get to 4lbs this week I'd be in the next stone bracket down! I think I might get on with doing some exercise today to try and help! haha

Veggie more healthy?

2011-05-11T14:29:00.000+01:00

I've been having a think lately about the number of calories in things, it's ridiculous! I've started looking at the calories on everything in the supermarket, even if I don't want them! I've rarely had red meat since I've started this healthy eating, it's just so much more calorific than any white meat, even the lean stuff. I think I've had beef once and that's it! I was in Tesco this lunch time and had a look at the veggie alternatives and they're a lot lower in calories, a lot lower! I ended up buying some meat free meat style balls, sausages, mince. Thought I'd compare them to their meaty cousins.

Meat free meat style balls.... per 100g... 150 calories, 17.1g protein, 6.7g fat (1.4g sat. fat)
Tesco Beef Meatballs... per 100g... 305 calories, 26.9g protein, 18.9g fat (8.2g sat. fat)

Quorn cumberland sausages... 60 calories, 6.2g protein, 2.4g fat (0.3g sat. fat)
Butchers Choice sausages... 128 calories, 6.4g protein, 9.1g fat (3.4g sat. fat)
Light Choices sausage... 73 calories, 9.1g protein, 1.8g fat (0.7g sat. fat)

Quorn mince... per 100g... 71 calories, 10.9g protein, 1.5g fat (0.4g sat. fat)
Light choices... per 100g... 148 calories, 20.4g protein, 7.4g fat (3.5g sat. fat)

So... the verdict is, as a whole the veggie alternatives are a lot better! In terms of sausages its not much difference though, so I'll see how the veggie ones taste. The meat balls is a HUGE difference though. And the mince is a pretty big difference too. Red meat just seems so high in fat. So, I think my decision is that I'm going to use these meat free alternatives a lot more. I won't use them every day, I'd never turn veggie completely! But it'll be nice to break up the turkey and chicken! I think I'm going to start tonight by making a veggie chilli con carne!

Scales... it's a love hate thing!

2011-05-11T07:24:00.000+01:00

I usually weigh myself every day but I'm trying to get out of that habit as I seem to have a love hate relationship with the scales! On one hand, I love seeing them go down. But on the other hand, our weight naturally fluctuates and I hate seeing them go up or stay the same! I also hate weighing in on a monday, having a decent loss and then being disappointed that even though I lost, it wasn't as low as it had been on the scales in the week.

But in a way, they're good at keeping me on track too. I jump on and see it getting lower and that's my motivation for the day. After my fat feeling last night I decided to jump on the scales, realising that this could make or break me today but deciding that even if it wasn't a number that I wanted to see (though I'm far off a number I want to see!) I wouldn't let myself get stressed about it (I did let myself have a little bit of a naughty meal last night, still within calories, but that might have had a temporary effect) and would just use it to motivate myself to try even harder.

So I did jump on and I'm now ?st 1.75lbs! Started at ?st 3.5lbs on Sunday, so that's 1.75lbs in just three days, definitely happy with that! One day I'll have the guts to reveal the ? number, I guess I'm just paranoid in case someone I know somehow finds this as anyone who has ever known my weight has been pretty surprised, not realising it was so high and I'd like to keep those illusions unshattered! haha After what felt like a slow loss last week and a fat day last night, seeing this on the scales has really boosted my confidence, was just what I needed! I'm not counting it as my weigh in though, that's done on Sunday mornings only. I wonder if I could lose another 2lbs by Sunday morning and get into the next stone down! Unlikely but a girl can dream!

I've definitely started my day with a bounce in my step now! I think I'm going to try and do some of my aerobics and pilates DVDs today, I don't have much to do as I'm only working Friday and then not til next weekend! Will make the wait for the results from my interview seem longer! I got a £10 Tesco moneycard for a complaint that I made, so I might take that off to Tesco and see if they sell any hand weights. I'm not sure tins or bottles of water are quite cutting it!

Fat Day

2011-05-10T20:20:00.000+01:00

Today is definitely a fat day. Well, tonight is definitely a fat night. You know those days/nights when you just look at yourself and you're disgusted? Well that's how I feel tonight. I'm disgusting at how horrible I look. I'm disgusted at how fat I am. I'm disgusted that I've let myself get this fat. I'm disgusted that I have left it so long to do something about it. I'm disgusted that I've tried and failed so many times.

It's horrible feeling like this. I wish so much that I could look at myself and be happy with what I see and who I am. But I can't. I don't like what I see when I look in the mirror. But I want to like me for me, not for what I can be. For what I hopefully will be.

My weight affects so many areas of my life and I'm tired of it. I'm tired of having zero self confidence. I'm tired of shutting out any guy that ever shows an interest in me because I think that no-one could ever like me how I am. I tired of constantly feeling so disappointed with myself. I'm tired of not being able to wear all the clothes that I want. I'm tired of not having the life that I want to have.

I know that I'm doing something to fix it all but I just wish that I'd done it long ago, properly. And I wish it didn't take so long. I think I'm going to have a lot of work it do in my head along the way, or I'll always be seeing myself in a fat ugly suit no matter what size/weight I am.

Vent over.

2011-05-10T16:10:00.000+01:00

Just got back from my PGCE interview, felt like such a long day! It wasn't nearly as bad as I was expecting to be honest. The group discussion was fine. The presentation and interview went well I think. The English essay went to plan, managed to remember everything that I wanted to write... just hope I wrote the right things! The Maths test was surprisingly easy and to be honest I'd be surprised if I got any of them wrong. So now starts the longest 2 week wait of my life! Going to have to try and keep busy but will be hard when I'm only working 1 day this week and then nothing til next weekend. Isn't like I have oodles of cash going spare to be doing things. Would have been good if I had been going to London this weekend still but ends up being that no-one's around so not really feeling it now to be honest.

Had a pretty good day foodwise I think. Had Special K for breakfast then got lunch at the uni, avoided all the bad options and went for a jacket potato with tuna mayo, though did have cheese with it! Jumped on the scales this morning and down 0.5lb from yesterday, so I'm happy with my progress this week. Just need to keep it up! But for now, think a sleep is in order!

Turning Point!

2011-05-09T20:53:00.000+01:00

I've had a pretty good day and feel like it's been a bit of a turning point for me really. I'll start at the very beginning!

I've always had an up and down relationship with 'dieting'. When I've been living by myself, doing my own food, I've been better. When there's been other people and social eating involved, it's all gone out the window!

I posted about this earlier in another post but this morning my sister asked me if I wanted to go for breakfast. I was going to say no to avoid a food situation, instead I said yes, looked at the menu before hand and chose the healthy option of porridge and when I got there I stuck to it, whilst she ordered a fry up.

This afternoon I had lunch and decided to have some rhubarb crumble my mum made yesterday. I didn't umm and ahh over it, I just chose to have some. BUT I gave myself a sensible portion and stopped when I was full, even though there was some left.

Then tonight, here came the biggy. My parents asked me to go to the chip shop for them to get them their dinner and of course, to get myself whatever I wanted. Straight away I decided not to have it, I was too close to my calories for the day and didn't want to have to do lots of exercise when I need an early night for my PGCE interview tomorrow. So I decided to stick with the plan I'd already made for dinner and to make sure that I didn't change my mind I put my sweet potato in the oven before I left. I thought a little bit on the drive there, wondering if I should just have it anyway but then told myself no, it wasn't worth it and dinner was already on anyway. So I went in, I ordered there dinner and sat waiting for 20 minutes for it to cook and in that entire time didn't even consider ordering myself something and chucking the sweet potato when I got back. So tonight, my mum had fish and chips whilst my dad and sister had pie and chips and I stuck with my baked sweet potato, be good to yourself chicken curry and a little mint raita. I didn't sit there feeling sorry for myself or hard done by, I sat there and really enjoyed my dinner.

Could this be a turning point?! A change in my attitude? Where I now don't always just say I want therefore I will. Or I will just because it's easier. For possibly the first time in my life I turned down something because I actually wanted to, I actually wanted to have the healthier option. I wanted to not put this weeks loss on the line. The only time I ever did that before was once at a family meal when I was on the Cambridge Diet, they had a roast dinner and I made myself a chicken salad with a little of the chicken and sat at the same table with them, hating every second of it, feeling the odd one out, feeling hard done by. For the first time it's not been I HAVE to do this, it's been I WANT to. And it felt bloody amazing!

Anyway, long post over! I'm off to have a bath and get an early night before my interview tomorrow.

Resisting temptation!

2011-05-09T14:02:00.000+01:00

Got a text from my sister this morning asking if I wanted to go for breakfast. Breakfast always means the same thing... Wetherspoons traditional cooked breakfast. At first I tried to think of an excuse not to go but then I thought actually, why should I? This 'change of lifestyle' isn't about avoiding all food situations, it's about changing my habits and my attitudes. Am I going to avoid going out for a meal for the rest of my life? No! So I need to learn how to make healthier choices so I took a look at the menu online.

To be honest, I was gobsmacked at the calories in everything...

Beans on toast... 530 calories
Scrambled egg on toast... 503 calories
The breakfast bloomer... 912 calories!!!

Nothing was any good really, the pancakes were 675 without the bacon and the breakfast roll 416. The traditional breakfast that I normally have is 891 calories, I'd never realised how bad it was! I kept looking at them and thinking, do I really want to use that many of my daily calories on that? I realised that actually I didn't. There were two healthy options, fruit salad and yoghurt or porridge with strawberry and blueberry compote. So I went for the second one, a yummy far healthier option at only 257 calories, a fraction of the others.

The thing with these things is that although I had decided on the healthy option before didn't mean that I'd stick with it once I got there! But surprisingly I did, didn't even consider getting anything else. So whilst my sister sat and ate her traditional breakfast, I had my porridge and tea and actually really enjoyed it. And now I don't have to try and last the rest of the day on 300 calories, I've got over 900 instead! Let's hope this continued resisting willpower continues!

Now have to finish preparing for my PGCE interview tomorrow. Then I think I'm going to do a little of my aerobics and pilates DVDs and head over to my sisters. Need to drop my nieces birthday present off from the weekend!

Weigh In

2011-05-08T08:46:00.000+01:00

Just weighed in, bit disappointed to be honest. Lost 1.5lbs this week taking me down to 9.5lbs lost in total. It's a decent loss, especially when I've had more cake-y biscuit-y things than I should have but other than that I've tried quite hard, I've been trying to drink more and exercise more and it just feels like a small loss. Especially when I've seen lower on the scales this week - on Tuesday I weighed in 1.25lbs lighter than I have today. It may well be a slight retention because of something I've eaten or something, I don't know. Or maybe I put it back on, though I stuck to my calories on Friday and Saturday which is what confuses me. Oh well, mustn't get disheartened, I'm still getting there, albeit slowly! I've lost some inches too, 1in off my waist, 0.5in off my hips and 1in off my back. This technically means I've gone up a cup size, woo! Though, I'm at the annoying point between cup sizes and between back sizes but it's ok because I don't really plan on buying much in the way of new bras or clothes along the way. I'll stick with what I've got until I have to change, then I'll get a few bits and have a small but useful wardrobe! I just don't want to be investing on clothes which will eventually be too big and never fit me again!

Anyway, onwards and upwards today (apart from the scales, they're only going downwards from now on!!). I'm going to do 20 minutes of my aerobics DVD and 10 minutes of my pilates I think, then grab some breakfast and it'll be time to have a shower and get to work probably. Long shift today in the kitchen, which I always hate. I get a free lunch because I'm working, I think I'm going to pass on the roast though and ask if I can just have a jacket potato and the veg from the roast. I've seen how much oil goes on those roast potatoes!

Good luck to all my loser friends today, let's do this thing!

2011-04-29T10:42:00.000+01:00

Sooo... calorie counting went out the window this week! I haven't counted anything, I've eaten chocolate, I've just not even really thought about it! I've been on placement at school all week so I was staying at my sisters. It was harder to cook and calorie count there (though I could have, so it's no excuse!) and so I didn't. I went out for dinner one night and had a chicken burger and chips, major fail! Another night my sister made chicken and chorizo and bought fish shop chips to go with it. Last night I had pie, mash and gravy. So really a week of FAIL! But, at the same time, though I've not really eaten good things, I've not gone crazy with it all either. I've taken a tuna or chicken salad and fruit to school every day for lunch, which is pretty good. I failed at avoiding the birthday cakes on on of the days though!

So dreading it totally I jumped on the scales this morning, expecting to have gained ridiculous amounts and I haven't. I've not lost but I've not gained either. And interestingly, my body fat percentage has come down by 2lbs. I guess the walking to and from school and all the running around after kids has helped! So it's not been the best week, but it's not been the worst either but I have at least learnt from it.

I've learnt that I CAN eat what I want and just have it in moderation (four fifths of my Baileys easter egg that still remain on my shelf after 3 days prove that!)
I've learnt that I don't have to constantly worry about what I'm eating all of the time (though I can't just go crazy either!)
I've learnt that when I'm at school it's important I take a break time snack of fruit or something otherwise those cakes or tin of biscuits becomes too tempting!
And I've learnt that no matter what it is that I do, a good week or a bad week, this is a long term journey for me and there'll be ups and downs but the biggest part is picking myself back up and getting on with it.

Did 20 minutes of Pilates this morning. It's not a huge calorie buster but I think the fact that it'll still be good for me for a number of reasons:

It's low impact so it won't (hopefully) aggravate my CFS and hopefully will help me build up my ability to do more exercise and give me more energy
It should help me lose inches even if I don't lose pounds!
It should improve my posture

So in itself, it won't have a huge impact on the scales but think it's definitely still worthwhile. I'm going to combine it with other exercise and hopefully, combined, it'll have a good impact on the scales and the measuring tape!

So, I think the plan will be 10 minutes of Pilates every day in the morning before breakfast. And then 2-3 times a week I'll do an extra 15-20 minutes of one of my other DVDs like the aerobics one or my dance one.

I'm definitely better off doing it in the morning before breakfast, that way I don't get distracted by my day! It's the 10 minute workout DVD, I should have no excuses for not fitting in 10 minutes! Even if I'm tired, because it's so low impact I should be alright with it and hopefully it won't impact my energy levels too much. The other workouts will be dependent on energy levels though, I'll do them if I can.

If I do that, that'll burn an extra 1200 calories a week, that's 0.34lbs a week, doesn't really seem like a great deal does it! But then, that's an extra 1.5lbs a month which means for every month I do that and lose extra, it'll be one less week of counting to lose rather than maintain. But to be honest, it's really not so much about the calories, it's about improving my fitness levels and feeling better about myself. I'm sure it's the kind of thing that'll have more impact on the measuring tape than the scales anyway.

Oops!

2011-04-25T14:28:00.000+01:00

I just ate an easter egg, I only meant to eat half and ended up eating the whole thing! It was just a small one though so it's only 260 calories which isn't that bad. I more than burnt that many with my workout this morning so it'll be fine! I felt really good after my workout this morning with my new Danniella's best body workout DVD, so much so that I'm debating doing the 2nd workout this afternoon. I just don't want to do too much when I'm going to be at school tomorrow until Thursday, I don't want to be tired! I'm really looking forward to getting back into school though, it'll be good! I'm going to need a whole new wardrobe if I get on to my PGCE in September so I better get on and get losing!

I refuse to feel guilty!

2011-04-25T11:44:00.000+01:00

We had a family BBQ yesterday and despite me insisting to myself that I would stick to chicken, salad and a pitta bread... I didn't. Whoops. I had 2 burgers and 2 sausages. And a slice of gateau! I still only had 1350 calories for the day though so I shouldn't have done too much damage. I'm 1lb up on the scales today but I think that's because it was quite carby, I normally put on for a day and then lose it the next, so hopefully I'll be back down tomorrow.

I was thinking about this earlier and I realised, actually, I don't feel guilty for eating any of what I ate yesterday. When I did the Cambridge Diet I felt bad about anything that I ever ate and I've realised that that's just not healthy. It didn't help my relationship with food, at all. Whereas now I'm responsible for what I eat. If I choose to go over my calories for the day, that's fine, that's my choice. I've not cheated, I've not broken the rules, I've made a choice. This is going to be a long road for me and I'm not going to sit here and feel guilty every time I eat a piece of cake or a bar of chocolate. That's not the life that I want. If I'm going to eat something that's not very healthy, I'm sure as hell going to enjoy it and NOT feel guilty because I'm not going to do it too often! But the minute I start refusing to let myself have the things I enjoy, every so often in moderation, that's the minute this change of lifestyle goes out the window. I stop enjoying it and I start resenting it. So yes, I went over 1200 calories yesterday and yes, I ate big fatty burgers and sausages and no, I didn't stick to just chicken but you know what, I don't care. I had a great day and I'm not going to let guilt or regret spoil it today. I just did a longer DVD workout instead and might go for a walk later!

Getting your head in the game

2011-04-24T10:17:00.001+01:00

Been quiet on the posting front this week but it's been going ok, a few things I ate that I probably shouldn't have but hey ho! I've always stayed under anything I should have normally, so I shouldn't have put on weight when I weigh in later, I just might have only lost 1lb or so. After 7.5lbs last week, I can't complain really!

I've been thinking today though. Everyone who starts off on a weight loss journey thinks about why... why is it they're wanting to lose that weight, no matter how big or small an amount that is. There are masses of reasons to lose that extra weight, namely that it makes you far more healthy but is that really the reason why I'm losing weight? Why most others lose weight? No, it probably isn't. Yes it's a part of it, I want to have a healthier life but it isn't my main motivation and I doubt that it is for most other people either. I would put money on the number one motivator being 'to be more attractive', 'to look better', 'to wear better clothes'.

As a motivation, that's fine and understandable but I think that it really says something about where people are at now. It's only natural to want to be attractive and to look great and your best, but does that mean that all overweight people are ugly and not desirable/attractive in any way? No! I know many 'larger' women who are absolutely beautiful, but not all have the confidence to know it, accept it and flaunt it.

So what happens when we all lose the weight... does our head shrink with it? No, somehow I doubt that and I think that's a much harder journey than the weight loss is. As we're losing weight I really think that we need to work on our minds too and realise that just because that voice inside your head is calling you fat, or ugly, or saying that no-one would ever want you, that doesn't mean it's true. That voice will still be there, no matter how thin or fat you are. So we, I included, need to get our heads in the game. We need to realise that our self worth, our beauty, our confidence, they need not be tied to what the scales read. You're beautiful because you are, not because society says you're a socially accepted norm. We need to learn to not allow our weight to define who we are and the life that we lead. We need to learn to realise that we are still worth the world now and that we just need to give ourselves a little more self worth, not once the weight is gone, now.

Fresh break

2011-04-21T08:33:00.000+01:00

I've gone through my posts and started deleting all my CD ones, they're pointless now really. I'm not doing that any more and all it does is remind me of a quicker but less healthy way to do this and I don't want that. I'm actually happy with how it's going at the moment so I don't want them there for a day when I'm frustrated and make me think hmm maybe I'll go back to that. So I'm going to go through and delete all the ones which aren't still useful to me or that aren't my rambling!

WI

2011-04-17T10:21:00.001+01:00

First week down and I'm down 7.5lbs!!! Way more than I ever expected to be honest, pretty surprised, pleasantly of course! It's just a quick one today as I have work in 40 minutes and I haven't had breakfast or got ready! This has definitely given me the boost that I need to get on with it and go!

5 days down!

2011-04-15T15:48:00.001+01:00

I'm 5 days down on this new 'diet' though I'm not even calling it that, so shall we say I'm 5 days into the new healthy me and I feel great! I'm not craving junk and I'm actually loving the freedom that I have in not wanting it. It's not around and I'm not missing it, at all. I'm starting to find all these foods which are really good for me and that actually I love.

Bought some scales today as they were half price in Argos and I had a voucher so they only cost me £9.99, bargain! Got on them and I've lost another 1.5lbs since Weds afternoon bringing it to 4.5lbs since Sunday. Considering that I'm eating what I want just in moderation and I'm not doing shakes etc. like I did before, I'm pretty chuffed with that, will have to see what the final weigh in on Sunday morning is.

Did my Urban Workout DVD today for the first time in aaages and did surprisingly ok with it! I stopped after 25 minutes mainly because I now have a thumping headache. Need to remember not to just get water for during but to drink before too. Have been slacking today, only drunk about 1.5 pints! Will make sure I drink a lot the rest of today though. When I think about it, this is really the first real exercise other than walking that I've done since before Thailand, so in over 6 months! I'm going to try and keep upping how long I do it for until I'm doing a full work out set. I got half way through today, I could have gone further though. So tomorrow I'll do it again but remember to drink more!

I've decided today to make a motivation/reward jar. For every day that I stay under my calories and I do 20 minutes of exercise, whether it's walking, the DVD, whatever, I'll put £1 in the jar. For every 1lb that I lose, I'll put £1 in the jar. I usually end up with a couple of quid in tips after each shift at work, so I'll use that. By the time I reach goal I could end up with a fair sum to go and buy the new me a new wardrobe!

Am feeling good today!

I'm back.... again!!

2011-04-13T13:49:00.002+01:00

Well here I am, back again with my tail between my legs. So Cambridge Diet didn't go too well for me. Well, it did but it didn't give me lasting results. Over the past 18 months I've put almost all of the weight back on. So this time I'm not taking the easy route from which I learn nothing, I'm going for the 'slow and steady wins the race approach'.

Instead of any 'quick fix' diet, I'm going to do calorie counting with a healthy balanced diet and exercise. I need to really look at my relationship with food because otherwise I'll always come back to this point, every time. Today is day 4 of the new diet and it's going well so far, I'm sticking to it and not actually finding it too difficult. I don't really like to use the word diet for this, it's not a quick thing, this is me changing the way I eat and live for the rest of my life.

Off to weigh myself using the scales in Boots which I'm pretty nervous about because it's so public but I don't know exactly what I weigh and I'd like to know my starting point, even if it's after a few days, won't be that different!

Restart Day 40

2010-02-16T10:19:00.000Z

After all of my complaining and ranting on Sunday and deciding that I was going to stop caring whether I'm single or not and just making the most of each day... I have a date. Ugh I hate that word, I really do. It makes me feel like I'm all of about 13, not 23! I haven't decided whether I'm going to go or not, but I probably will. I haven't really done the whole 'date' thing before, nothing that formal really. I'm not sure whether I'm interested in him or not really, I don't know him enough to be able to make that decision which is why I don't know whether I should go. On one hand I feel like if I don't know whether I'm in to him, is it fair to agree to a date... but then, surely that's what they're for! It's the chance to get to know them and decide. He might decide that actually he's not interested in me after one date! But whether I am or not, I think him just asking, and fairly insistently has given me a bit of a confidence boost. Maybe I'm not so ugly and unattractive as I thought, and maybe someone being interested in me isn't as unlikely as I thought. So we'll see I guess. Eek! Exciting or scary... I can't decide!

I get my uni results today, can't decide if I'm excited or scared about that either! I think I've got to wait til 4pm though :( I've seen two notices one said they'll be up by 4, the other said at 4, so we'll see I guess. Final year results are just so different to before, I've never felt like this. They're so much more important than ever before, it's one third of this year's grades today, so one third of my final classification!! Double eek!!

Scale Reading:
Wii Minutes:

Restart Day 37

2010-02-13T12:51:00.001Z

Whoopsie, it's been a while since I've posted, just haven't been in the writing mood lately. Hmm what's happened this week.

Well, I signed up for the Race for Life for this July. This July marks 10 years since my Nan died of cancer, so it seemed like a fitting way to mark 10 years. I can't believe it's been 10 years though, it's flown by really. And it all still seems so raw, if 10 years doesn't make it much easier, I wonder whether it will ever get any easier. It's going to be hard doing the race, but I'm determined to do it, 5k really isn't as bad as I have in my head probably anyway! If anyone wants to sponsor me, my link is:

Caroline's Race for Life Sponsorship Page

Did my weigh in yesterday...

Loss: 5lbs

Lost an inch of my bust, back, waist and hips and half an inch off my thighs. So I'm happy with this weeks results!

I slightly stuffed it up last night by eating wine gums though, don't even know why I did it, it's bloody annoying that I did, but never mind, straight back to it today!

So, tomorrow's Valentine's Day. Big bloody pah! I'm sick of hearing about it to be honest, it's never really been something that's bothered me, but this year it does. I don't know why really, just seems to make it all the more obvious that I'm single. And how messed up I am in that area really. It's just something that never seems to go right for me, I always like the wrong people, always. The people that then express an interest in me, I'm just not interested in. Or the one or two times I can think of in the past couple of years where we've both liked each other, I've messed it all up before anything happened. So maybe I should just take it as a hint and give up now and just join a nunnery or something!

I'm so sick of hearing the 'there's someone out there for you' speech. I've heard it over and over again, women all around the world have heard it over and over again, but yet nothing changes and I keep on hearing it! I'm starting to wonder whether it's actually even true, all it seems to do is add pressure and false hope. I know so many girls who there's a guy that shows an interest, and they're all like hmm is this my someone, even if they're not really liking them, not wanting to pass over an opportunity just in case. Instead, they surely should just be getting to know them and then whether they are or not should become obvious.

Anyway, what if it's not true, what if it's actually all a load of rubbish, and there isn't someone out there for everyone. How many women end up alone, did they all choose that? Where's there someone? So if there isn't someone out there for them, then how do I know that there's someone out there for me? I guess that's the thing, I don't. So yeah one day I want that whole meet a guy, fall in love, get married, have kids, live happily ever after... but what if that's not for me? What if in 20, 30, 40 years time I'm still holding out hope for that someone. It really is what I want one day, but I want doesn't get, and I have to wonder whether I ever will. Maybe I'm just being a great big cynic, but I haven't had anything pointing me towards anything different. So I think I'm just going to stop holding out hope in something that may never happen. Doesn't mean I'll give up on the idea all together, but I guess I just need to stop making it such a big deal. I mean, I'm not looking around at every guy and wondering whether they're my someone, and I'm not wanting marriage and kids and all that now, but I mean I think I need to just stop wondering whether it's in my future, and just work on my today.

It just doesn't help that people keep asking me if I've found myself a boyfriend yet, asking why I haven't, saying how a lovely young girl like me should find herself, and I quote one person, 'a sexy young stud'. Err.... have people forgot... I'm fat! I don't know anyone who falls into that category who is also a nice person and more importantly would be interested in me. People seem to think it's so easy, it really isn't, not when you're me anyway.

So for now, meh to it all!

Restart Day 29 (Weigh In)

2010-02-05T11:54:00.002Z

Weigh in today, wasn't excited as usual, unsurprisingly!

Loss: 1lb

Got 1 inch off my waist and hips, all the rest stayed the same. I'm definitely noticing the difference in my clothes, things are getting looser, things I couldn't wear before I can now. Like my PJ bottoms I bought from Primark that I knew would be too small, can wear them now. I think that's the bit I feel better about seeing, the clothes, not the numbers really.

Not a big loss, but considering how off plan I've been this week with being at my sisters and then I've been back but think in 3 days I've had 2 CD shakes and then just my SS+ meals it's not really much of a surprise! Am back to it 100% which doesn't just mean no cheating, it means having all my CD shakes! So I'm starting off now with a banana shake. I can and will get there, but only if I do it right! No faffing about.

I started thinking about Race for Life yesterday and decided to do it this July as it would mark the 10th anniversary of Nan's death. I mentioned it to a friend though and he doesn't think it's a good idea to push myself like that just yet and that I need to build up slowly, so instead should aim for it next year. I know he's right, I know that having CFS is going to effect how I do things, if that is even what's wrong with me. I can't just run around like I did 3 or 4 years ago, but at the same time I don't want to let it stop me doing the things that I want to do, if I do it's like it's won and I refuse to let that happen. So I'm going to spend the next few weeks on a really basic exercise plan doing the Wii Fit yoga for as much as I can, try and find where my limit lies and then slowly work up from there and then I'll make a decision in April time about whether or not I'll do it. Even if I just walk it, I figure it's better than nothing, next year just wouldn't be the same.

On a positive note, the Amitriptyline certainly seems to be helping me sleep, slept til 11 yesterday and 10 today! I haven't had that much sleep in a long long time. Starting a job next week though and uni the week after, so need to make sure that I'm not getting into a habit of sleeping too late. I think it's just my body playing catch up though to be fair.

Restart Day 27

2010-02-03T12:12:00.004Z

Today is a real tired day, like exhausted. I'm so sick of the rubbish sleep, always being tired, motivationless, unable to concentrate. I've been to the doctors so many times before, I didn't really expect this morning to be any different. Though last time he did talk about CFS and looking at management of it, but the Health Trainer they referred me to was rubbish, completely, totally and utterly rubbish. This morning actually went really well though. He prescribed me Amitriptyline which is given as an antidepressant in a 150mg dosage. But in lower dosages, like the 10mg dosage he gave me, it's used as a sleeping tablet. I can't wait to go to go to bed tonight, manage to hopefully get to sleep long before my usual 2-3am and hopefully sleep through. I'm rather excited by it in fact! he also referred me to a psychologist who will assess whether CBT (Cognitive Behaviour Therapy) will help. Apparently for a lot of people with CFS it does help quite a lot, so hopefully. Not completely sure what to expect there to be honest though, but if it's going to help me get my life back on track and feel some sense of normality, then it's worth a go. Here's to 2010 sorting out many issues and leading to a happy, healthy and energetic me!
2.15pm
I've been thinking a lot today, and I'm tired of being how I am. I'm tired of being tired! I sit there and fight with the doctors to do something, and now they are, and they're saying that it looks like it is Chronic Fatigue Syndrome which I've been saying for months and months, but now I don't want that diagnosis. I don't want to have something that I can never get rid of, that I might always suffer from. I just want a simple tablet that will make it better. I want it to all be because of my thyroid. I'm sitting here thinking about how tired I am day to day, tired doesn't even cut it, it's beyond that. My lack of motivation, concentration, how the gym knocks me out for the whole of the next day, and I wonder whether it's ever going to be completely normal. Whether I'm ever going to wake up in the morning and feel awake, fresh, revitalised. I don't know the last time that happened and I'm sick of it.

I've just discovered a gym that's a lot closer to me and easier to get to so I mentioned that to a friend and said that I want to try and go 3 times a week, even if it's just for 30-45 minutes each time. He's got CFS too, though worse than me, he pointed out that I shouldn't even do that, and I need to start slower. Said to do just 10-15 minutes at first and slowly build up. Having looked online it all agrees and says the same. But 10 minutes seems pathetic! I know that he's right though, and I'm going to have to start off a lot slower or I'll be completely knocked for six the next day and then won't be too keen on going back and it'll be harder to motivate myself. I guess I'm going to have to realise that this isn't something that's just going to go away, I'm going to have to learn just how it effects me and how to carry on as close to normal as possible. I'm not giving up though, I refuse to let go of my hopes and dreams and dismiss them as unobtainable now. I might have to make some adjustments, but I'm not letting it beat me and stop me doing the things I want to do with my life.

The advice seems to say:

Aim for no more than three exercise sessions per week.
Experiment to find the type of exercise that works best for you. Choose from a range of gentle activities such as stretching, yoga, Tai Chi, walking and light weight training.
Aerobic exercise seems to cause relapses for many people with CFS. If this is true for you, try non-aerobic forms of exercise like weight training with light weights.
Learn from past relapses. For example, if walking for 20 minutes worsened your symptoms, try walking for five minutes and see how that goes. It may be helpful to keep a diary to keep track of what works and what doesn’t.
Stop the physical activity well before you feel tired. Pacing yourself is very important.
Push yourself to get moving, but don't push yourself to do more until you know you're ready.
Remember that your exercise tolerance will differ from one day to the next.
Listen to your body – if you don’t feel up to exercising on a particular day, don’t.
Only slowly increase the intensity, time spent or frequency of exercise when you know you can cope with it. For example, if you can exercise for five minutes without suffering a relapse, try for six minutes.

And finally, it says to be patient as it can take months even years to slowly build up the intensity, duration and frequency of an exercise program. By summer I'd like to be sorted though!

So I'm going to start off nice and easy, every day doing Yoga on the Wii Fit, even if it's 5-10 minutes. Giving me the chance to learn the signals from my body to know when it's enough. Then I'll slowly work it up, do it for longer, try and add in some other activities and eventually get back into the gym, starting with light weights first and then up to cardio. And I'm going to use this blog to keep a track of my exercise and energy levels, hopefully then I'll be able to see how I'm doing.

Another ramble... two in one day... lucky you!

2010-01-17T22:42:00.001Z

Lately I've been thinking loads about my future. Wondering where I'm heading, what it has in store for me. I've always said I don't know that I ever want to get married, don't know that I ever want kids. But I'm realising that I do, I really really do. But it's like... if I say that I don't, and it doesn't happen, I can be like well I always said I didn't think I wanted to. Rather than going I'm here because no-one ever asked.

At the moment, I look at my future, and I'm not sure that I can see that in it. I'm sure that there is ever going to be a guy who turns around and says, I want to be with you, I want to spend my life with you. Especially not as I am now. Maybe when I've lost weight, but at the same time, I can't imagine that either.

Lately there are so many babies appearing everywhere. I don't want my own one right now, but they make me realise that one day I do. But have to wonder if that'll ever happen.

But it makes me think, why is it that I can't see anyone ever wanting to be with me? Why could no-one ever love me like that? What's so wrong with me really? And honestly, I don't know, I don't know at all. I can tell myself over and over again how there is so much more to me than my weight. And that I'm doing something about it. But at the end of the day it comes down to the same thing, each and every time. I'm destined to a life of singledom, and no-one will ever be interested. Maybe one day I'll learn to believe in myself more.

More rambles!

2010-01-17T13:43:00.001Z

Another post which I just made on a forum.

The last few days I've been thinking quite a lot, dangerous I know! I've been thinking about my past, my upbringing, everything really. I in no way want to dig up the past, a lot of it is better off left where it is. But I do feel like I need to understand how I got this way I guess you could say. What makes me turn to food, why is it my crutch. I've realised that for a long time I've done this whole, well it's not all my fault. Rubbish happened when I was younger, so I turned to food, it made me feel better. My mum should have given me healthier food. My mum should have given me smaller portions. My doctor should have noticed the trend and said something. School should have made PE more fun. I've for years done the whole woe is me thing. Life piled all this on me, it's not my fault, blaming people other than myself. Doing the whole no-one understands me, no-one understands what it's like. Getting into that woe is me, my life is crap, I hate it all cycle. But you know what I've realised, there are millions of people out there who do understand. Who know exactly how I feel. Who are in the same situation and understand full well. They're living with the same issues I am. So why I sit there and think that I'm a lone ranger stuck on a deserted island sometimes I really don't know! I've realised that by holding on to my past and things that have happened and have influenced me, I'm almost using them as a means of justifying my weight, but it doesn't help anyone, least of all me. Justifying it so that I remain how I am, so that I get angry, so that I overeat, it just keeps the cycle going. And I'm realising that there are a lot of things that I need to let go of, things that aren't really related to my weight, but they've become a part of me, and a part of that cycle. So that's what I've realised I need to do. Just let it go. Forgive people who have hurt me. Forgive myself most of all. And then step forward into the life I'm now marking out for myself and just live.

Having to make some changes

2010-01-14T19:44:00.003Z

I posted this on a forum a few moments ago, but I want to keep this. This is something I need to remember, that I need to change, not just let it be a post on a forum that in a few day is hidden under new posts.

After having a big long conversation today with my niece, I've realised a few things. I've realised that life is like one big baton race, but with lots of batons.

While running her race, my mum has passed on lots of batons to me, and to my sisters. Batons which say you're defined by what you look like. Batons which say you're not good enough unless you weigh a certain amount. Batons which contain a hell of a lot of demons about self esteem, weight, confidence.

In running her race, my sister has passed some of those batons on to her daughter who is now 16. And she's got those same things, where weight and image is so important, if you don't fit the mould, then you're not good enough. I've just spent the past half an hour talking to her, telling her what an amazing, beautiful and precious young woman she is. And while sometimes she knows that, she often doesn't feel that. Why? Because she's not a perfect size 10. She's a 12, 14 on top because of boobs. But yet she is so so beautiful, but she can't see it.

Now I think about my own race, about the batons that I carry. The ones I've got from my mum, where I see her not eat because 'she's not hungry today' or 'she had a big lunch' or 'oh i ate a lot while cooking yours'. And suddenly I see where my unhealthy relationship with food comes from. I see where my insecurities within myself come from. I see where my completely distorted self confidence and self esteem from. And I see how this becomes one huge cycle, getting passed on from generation, but where does it stop? When does it end?

Well I've decided that it ends here. Kids are not on the cards for me any time soon, but one day I do hope to have children, and I REFUSE to pass on those batons. I refuse to let me children, or my nieces, or anyone I have any opportunity to mould, believe that what the mirror says about them is all that's said about them, and that they are so much more than that. They're not beautiful because their jeans say size 10, they're not beautiful because the scales show the right numbers, they're not even beautiful because I say they are, they're beautiful just because they're beautiful.

And I guess that starts right here, right now, with me. Dealing with my issues, my messed up way of thinking. I don't think it'll be easy by any stretch of the imagination, but it's how it has to be. Fixing my weight is only one side of the coin. You can't fix a leaky tap by just turning off the water, it's still broken, you've just taken away the physical sign of it. In the same way, if I don't do something other than lose this weight, I'll still be broken. So I need to fix deeper within me.

Day 81

2009-07-04T10:41:00.004+01:00

Have decided that I really need to get exercising more, especially while I'm on the 1000 plan and so have more energy. At the moment I can't really afford the gym so I might speak to my GP or practice nurse about it. If I'm not mistaken, they will sometimes 'prescribe' gym membership at a reduced rate for those people who are overweight or suffer from certain conditions. I think my weight, asthma and family history of diabetes and heart conditions should make me a good candidate for it, if my PCT do it. While I have mixed views on the NHS paying for things, I don't see that I have a choice. But I'm not sure, I've started doing certain exercises at home, and I'm going to start going for walks, that might be enough.

I think there are ups and downs to the NHS paying for things. I think that if by providing a person with gym membership for a fixed number of sessions you encourage them to go, then I think it's worth it. If that person goes and sees the benefits, they'll likely carry on. I think sometimes it's the boost people need to get them started.

In terms of tummy tucks etc. I have mixed views. They're expensive privately, very expensive. So I think there are a lot of people out there who will try and get one for free if they can. And that I don't agree with. However, there are also a lot of people who just could never afford one but have worked damn hard to lose a lot of weight. And so I think for those people, it should be an option. I'll have paid close to £1000 for this diet once I reach goal without any help from the NHS, so if I have really bad excess skin, I'll consider speaking to my GP if I can in no way afford it myself.

The cost of a tummy tuck or gastric band on the NHS is the equivalant to treating someone who suffers from Diabetes and other weight related illnesses for around 2 years, sometimes even less than that. So actually, if these things are done, they're reducing the cost for the NHS in the long run. A person who weighs say 24 stone and goes on to lose 12 stone will likely have gone on to cost the NHS a lot in treatment after developing Diabetes, high blood pressure or a heart condition. If by offering them a gastric band they sort their weight and save the NHS money, surely isn't that a good thing? Or if they lose the 12 stone themselves, but are left with terrible excess skin, shouldn't a tummy tuck be an option to them if it's bad enough? Personally I think so. However, the 15 stone woman who loses 3 stone, has a little bit of excess but wants a tummy tuck and breast lift, no, that I don't agree with. While there would be a bit of sagging, it's not going to be much, and it'll shrink back. If a person who has lost a lot of weight has given their body some time to try and catch up and it hasn't happened, if means testing shows they can't possibly afford a tummy tuck, then in theory I agree with one on the NHS.

The NHS website gives very little information about 'cosmetic' surgery on the NHS, however it does say this..

To qualify for surgery to improve your appearance, you must meet specific criteria as set out by your local health authority. The NHS will not pay for surgery for cosmetic reasons alone; however, reconstructive surgery and cosmetic surgery to correct or improve congenital abnormalities and injuries will usually be carried out free of charge.

In cases where a person is morbidly obese (has a body mass index (BMI) of 40kg/m2 or more) and has lost a significant amount of weight as a result of a controlled dieting programme and/or surgery, such as an apronectomy or adominoplasty (tummy tuck), further surgical procedures may be required to remove excess skin or correct any scarring or other abnormalities. Sometimes, as part of this process, liposuction may be used. Generally, however, liposuction is not available on the NHS.

It's an interesting subject which will no doubt be causing debates for all eternity! There will always be people who agree, and people who don't.

Day 62

2009-06-25T10:11:00.004+01:00

Well it's Day 62 and I'm still here. Trying to get my head into gear for this whole diet thing, not in terms of can I do it, in terms of the real long term effects. When I get to goal I'm hopefully going to be a 12 stone size 12 new person, but actually, the way things are going now I'll be a fat person in a thin body. This isn't all about my weight or my size. A big part of it is me, it's the way I see myself, the worth I put into myself.

Act like you're thin already!

Too often we hide away and don't get involved in life very much. We wear ugly baggy, cheap clothes and don't bother about our appearance as we think we're ugly anyway. I had a boss who was fatter than me and she was beautiful. She wore beautiful clothes, always had a manicure, hair trendy and gorgeous makeup. At nights out she was the first up on the dance floor, enjoying life. Enjoy life now on your journey to being slim. Start visualising yourself thin and imagine that is how you are now and go for it! Buy nice clothes, get a trendy haircut and take part in all that life has to offer!

This was posted on minimins and actually it says quite a lot to me really. For as long as I can remember I've been hiding away in dark, baggy, uninteresting clothes that were bought not because I liked them, but because they fit. Turns out they didn't even fit all that well and I should have worn a size smaller in tops. But baggy was good. Baggy meant hiding, it meant not being noticed. I guess I did think I was fat and ugly, still do, and so what difference would it all make? Though lately I have started to see a change in this. I've got nicer clothes, I'm now making sure they fit properly! I get my hair done, I will do my make up a lot more. And generally just make more of an effort with myself.

I've thought a lot lately about how I view myself and about how the way I see myself affects the way other people see me. Because actually, to me, it doesn't matter how they actually see me, to me, in my head, they see exactly what I see, a fat, ugly person not worth the time or effort. How can anyone else love me if I don't even love myself? I need to keep working on this whole self confidence thing. Because if I look in the mirror and just see this ugly, fat person, then that's all I'll ever see, that's all anyone will ever see. And I want more than that for me. Much more.

Breakfast: Boiled egg with slice of granary bread, CD bar
Lunch: Green salad and fat free dressing
Dinner: Salmon, cous cous, carrots and brocolli with mint and yoghurt dressing, Frozen tetra (couldn't eat it though, made me feel sick)

Snacks: 200g of strawberries
Drinks: Fanta zero and water
Cheats: NONE!! :)
Mood: Pondering.

My Motivation!

2009-04-28T11:38:00.000+01:00

What are the reasons I want to lose weight? What motivates me?

Feel better in sleeveless tops
Feel more comfortable with myself
Look better in pictures
Don’t feel I ned to avoid cameras!
Live a much healthier life
Be able to run the Race for Life!
Cheaper clothes :)
Shopping is a more fun experience
Enjoy the gym more, feeling more comfortable
Feel more confident in myself
Do a whole range of things that my weight restricts me from doing
Not feel so invisible
Be able to eat in public without feeling bad
Have more energy all the time
Not care about going swimming
Be able to shop anywhere
To not be judged as lazy or greedy because of how I look
To not hate what I see in the mirror
To have people say I look good, or well, and REALLY mean it
To not feel like I have to wear clothes to cover everything up
Not be the fattest person in the room, class, party, anything!
Feel comfortable in a swimming costume
To not be embarrassed by myself
One size fits all actually fits!
To be able to watch a programme about overweight people on TV and not think I should be on it
To not take fat jokes and references personally
Not care that the doctor wants to weigh me
Not have to worry about people seeing the size on a tag on my clothes
To feel proud of myself when I get to the end!

Because I’m worth the effort!!