Today is definitely a fat day. Well, tonight is definitely a fat night. You know those days/nights when you just look at yourself and you're disgusted? Well that's how I feel tonight. I'm disgusting at how horrible I look. I'm disgusted at how fat I am. I'm disgusted that I've let myself get this fat. I'm disgusted that I have left it so long to do something about it. I'm disgusted that I've tried and failed so many times.
It's horrible feeling like this. I wish so much that I could look at myself and be happy with what I see and who I am. But I can't. I don't like what I see when I look in the mirror. But I want to like me for me, not for what I can be. For what I hopefully will be.
My weight affects so many areas of my life and I'm tired of it. I'm tired of having zero self confidence. I'm tired of shutting out any guy that ever shows an interest in me because I think that no-one could ever like me how I am. I tired of constantly feeling so disappointed with myself. I'm tired of not being able to wear all the clothes that I want. I'm tired of not having the life that I want to have.
I know that I'm doing something to fix it all but I just wish that I'd done it long ago, properly. And I wish it didn't take so long. I think I'm going to have a lot of work it do in my head along the way, or I'll always be seeing myself in a fat ugly suit no matter what size/weight I am.
Vent over.
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