Restart Day 40

After all of my complaining and ranting on Sunday and deciding that I was going to stop caring whether I'm single or not and just making the most of each day... I have a date. Ugh I hate that word, I really do. It makes me feel like I'm all of about 13, not 23! I haven't decided whether I'm going to go or not, but I probably will. I haven't really done the whole 'date' thing before, nothing that formal really. I'm not sure whether I'm interested in him or not really, I don't know him enough to be able to make that decision which is why I don't know whether I should go. On one hand I feel like if I don't know whether I'm in to him, is it fair to agree to a date... but then, surely that's what they're for! It's the chance to get to know them and decide. He might decide that actually he's not interested in me after one date! But whether I am or not, I think him just asking, and fairly insistently has given me a bit of a confidence boost. Maybe I'm not so ugly and unattractive as I thought, and maybe someone being interested in me isn't as unlikely as I thought. So we'll see I guess. Eek! Exciting or scary... I can't decide!

I get my uni results today, can't decide if I'm excited or scared about that either! I think I've got to wait til 4pm though :( I've seen two notices one said they'll be up by 4, the other said at 4, so we'll see I guess. Final year results are just so different to before, I've never felt like this. They're so much more important than ever before, it's one third of this year's grades today, so one third of my final classification!! Double eek!!

Scale Reading:
Wii Minutes:

Restart Day 37

Whoopsie, it's been a while since I've posted, just haven't been in the writing mood lately. Hmm what's happened this week.

Well, I signed up for the Race for Life for this July. This July marks 10 years since my Nan died of cancer, so it seemed like a fitting way to mark 10 years. I can't believe it's been 10 years though, it's flown by really. And it all still seems so raw, if 10 years doesn't make it much easier, I wonder whether it will ever get any easier. It's going to be hard doing the race, but I'm determined to do it, 5k really isn't as bad as I have in my head probably anyway! If anyone wants to sponsor me, my link is:

Caroline's Race for Life Sponsorship Page

Did my weigh in yesterday...

Loss: 5lbs

Lost an inch of my bust, back, waist and hips and half an inch off my thighs. So I'm happy with this weeks results!

I slightly stuffed it up last night by eating wine gums though, don't even know why I did it, it's bloody annoying that I did, but never mind, straight back to it today!

So, tomorrow's Valentine's Day. Big bloody pah! I'm sick of hearing about it to be honest, it's never really been something that's bothered me, but this year it does. I don't know why really, just seems to make it all the more obvious that I'm single. And how messed up I am in that area really. It's just something that never seems to go right for me, I always like the wrong people, always. The people that then express an interest in me, I'm just not interested in. Or the one or two times I can think of in the past couple of years where we've both liked each other, I've messed it all up before anything happened. So maybe I should just take it as a hint and give up now and just join a nunnery or something!

I'm so sick of hearing the 'there's someone out there for you' speech. I've heard it over and over again, women all around the world have heard it over and over again, but yet nothing changes and I keep on hearing it! I'm starting to wonder whether it's actually even true, all it seems to do is add pressure and false hope. I know so many girls who there's a guy that shows an interest, and they're all like hmm is this my someone, even if they're not really liking them, not wanting to pass over an opportunity just in case. Instead, they surely should just be getting to know them and then whether they are or not should become obvious.

Anyway, what if it's not true, what if it's actually all a load of rubbish, and there isn't someone out there for everyone. How many women end up alone, did they all choose that? Where's there someone? So if there isn't someone out there for them, then how do I know that there's someone out there for me? I guess that's the thing, I don't. So yeah one day I want that whole meet a guy, fall in love, get married, have kids, live happily ever after... but what if that's not for me? What if in 20, 30, 40 years time I'm still holding out hope for that someone. It really is what I want one day, but I want doesn't get, and I have to wonder whether I ever will. Maybe I'm just being a great big cynic, but I haven't had anything pointing me towards anything different. So I think I'm just going to stop holding out hope in something that may never happen. Doesn't mean I'll give up on the idea all together, but I guess I just need to stop making it such a big deal. I mean, I'm not looking around at every guy and wondering whether they're my someone, and I'm not wanting marriage and kids and all that now, but I mean I think I need to just stop wondering whether it's in my future, and just work on my today.

It just doesn't help that people keep asking me if I've found myself a boyfriend yet, asking why I haven't, saying how a lovely young girl like me should find herself, and I quote one person, 'a sexy young stud'. Err.... have people forgot... I'm fat! I don't know anyone who falls into that category who is also a nice person and more importantly would be interested in me. People seem to think it's so easy, it really isn't, not when you're me anyway.

So for now, meh to it all!

Restart Day 29 (Weigh In)

Weigh in today, wasn't excited as usual, unsurprisingly!

Loss: 1lb

Got 1 inch off my waist and hips, all the rest stayed the same. I'm definitely noticing the difference in my clothes, things are getting looser, things I couldn't wear before I can now. Like my PJ bottoms I bought from Primark that I knew would be too small, can wear them now. I think that's the bit I feel better about seeing, the clothes, not the numbers really.

Not a big loss, but considering how off plan I've been this week with being at my sisters and then I've been back but think in 3 days I've had 2 CD shakes and then just my SS+ meals it's not really much of a surprise! Am back to it 100% which doesn't just mean no cheating, it means having all my CD shakes! So I'm starting off now with a banana shake. I can and will get there, but only if I do it right! No faffing about.

I started thinking about Race for Life yesterday and decided to do it this July as it would mark the 10th anniversary of Nan's death. I mentioned it to a friend though and he doesn't think it's a good idea to push myself like that just yet and that I need to build up slowly, so instead should aim for it next year. I know he's right, I know that having CFS is going to effect how I do things, if that is even what's wrong with me. I can't just run around like I did 3 or 4 years ago, but at the same time I don't want to let it stop me doing the things that I want to do, if I do it's like it's won and I refuse to let that happen. So I'm going to spend the next few weeks on a really basic exercise plan doing the Wii Fit yoga for as much as I can, try and find where my limit lies and then slowly work up from there and then I'll make a decision in April time about whether or not I'll do it. Even if I just walk it, I figure it's better than nothing, next year just wouldn't be the same.

On a positive note, the Amitriptyline certainly seems to be helping me sleep, slept til 11 yesterday and 10 today! I haven't had that much sleep in a long long time. Starting a job next week though and uni the week after, so need to make sure that I'm not getting into a habit of sleeping too late. I think it's just my body playing catch up though to be fair.

Restart Day 27

Today is a real tired day, like exhausted. I'm so sick of the rubbish sleep, always being tired, motivationless, unable to concentrate. I've been to the doctors so many times before, I didn't really expect this morning to be any different. Though last time he did talk about CFS and looking at management of it, but the Health Trainer they referred me to was rubbish, completely, totally and utterly rubbish. This morning actually went really well though. He prescribed me Amitriptyline which is given as an antidepressant in a 150mg dosage. But in lower dosages, like the 10mg dosage he gave me, it's used as a sleeping tablet. I can't wait to go to go to bed tonight, manage to hopefully get to sleep long before my usual 2-3am and hopefully sleep through. I'm rather excited by it in fact! he also referred me to a psychologist who will assess whether CBT (Cognitive Behaviour Therapy) will help. Apparently for a lot of people with CFS it does help quite a lot, so hopefully. Not completely sure what to expect there to be honest though, but if it's going to help me get my life back on track and feel some sense of normality, then it's worth a go. Here's to 2010 sorting out many issues and leading to a happy, healthy and energetic me!
2.15pm
I've been thinking a lot today, and I'm tired of being how I am. I'm tired of being tired! I sit there and fight with the doctors to do something, and now they are, and they're saying that it looks like it is Chronic Fatigue Syndrome which I've been saying for months and months, but now I don't want that diagnosis. I don't want to have something that I can never get rid of, that I might always suffer from. I just want a simple tablet that will make it better. I want it to all be because of my thyroid. I'm sitting here thinking about how tired I am day to day, tired doesn't even cut it, it's beyond that. My lack of motivation, concentration, how the gym knocks me out for the whole of the next day, and I wonder whether it's ever going to be completely normal. Whether I'm ever going to wake up in the morning and feel awake, fresh, revitalised. I don't know the last time that happened and I'm sick of it.

I've just discovered a gym that's a lot closer to me and easier to get to so I mentioned that to a friend and said that I want to try and go 3 times a week, even if it's just for 30-45 minutes each time. He's got CFS too, though worse than me, he pointed out that I shouldn't even do that, and I need to start slower. Said to do just 10-15 minutes at first and slowly build up. Having looked online it all agrees and says the same. But 10 minutes seems pathetic! I know that he's right though, and I'm going to have to start off a lot slower or I'll be completely knocked for six the next day and then won't be too keen on going back and it'll be harder to motivate myself. I guess I'm going to have to realise that this isn't something that's just going to go away, I'm going to have to learn just how it effects me and how to carry on as close to normal as possible. I'm not giving up though, I refuse to let go of my hopes and dreams and dismiss them as unobtainable now. I might have to make some adjustments, but I'm not letting it beat me and stop me doing the things I want to do with my life.

The advice seems to say:

• Aim for no more than three exercise sessions per week.
• Experiment to find the type of exercise that works best for you. Choose from a range of gentle activities such as stretching, yoga, Tai Chi, walking and light weight training.
• Aerobic exercise seems to cause relapses for many people with CFS. If this is true for you, try non-aerobic forms of exercise like weight training with light weights.
• Learn from past relapses. For example, if walking for 20 minutes worsened your symptoms, try walking for five minutes and see how that goes. It may be helpful to keep a diary to keep track of what works and what doesn’t.
• Stop the physical activity well before you feel tired. Pacing yourself is very important.
• Push yourself to get moving, but don't push yourself to do more until you know you're ready.
• Remember that your exercise tolerance will differ from one day to the next.
• Listen to your body – if you don’t feel up to exercising on a particular day, don’t.
• Only slowly increase the intensity, time spent or frequency of exercise when you know you can cope with it. For example, if you can exercise for five minutes without suffering a relapse, try for six minutes.

And finally, it says to be patient as it can take months even years to slowly build up the intensity, duration and frequency of an exercise program. By summer I'd like to be sorted though!


So I'm going to start off nice and easy, every day doing Yoga on the Wii Fit, even if it's 5-10 minutes. Giving me the chance to learn the signals from my body to know when it's enough. Then I'll slowly work it up, do it for longer, try and add in some other activities and eventually get back into the gym, starting with light weights first and then up to cardio. And I'm going to use this blog to keep a track of my exercise and energy levels, hopefully then I'll be able to see how I'm doing.