I posted this on a forum a few moments ago, but I want to keep this. This is something I need to remember, that I need to change, not just let it be a post on a forum that in a few day is hidden under new posts.
While running her race, my mum has passed on lots of batons to me, and to my sisters. Batons which say you're defined by what you look like. Batons which say you're not good enough unless you weigh a certain amount. Batons which contain a hell of a lot of demons about self esteem, weight, confidence.
In running her race, my sister has passed some of those batons on to her daughter who is now 16. And she's got those same things, where weight and image is so important, if you don't fit the mould, then you're not good enough. I've just spent the past half an hour talking to her, telling her what an amazing, beautiful and precious young woman she is. And while sometimes she knows that, she often doesn't feel that. Why? Because she's not a perfect size 10. She's a 12, 14 on top because of boobs. But yet she is so so beautiful, but she can't see it.
Now I think about my own race, about the batons that I carry. The ones I've got from my mum, where I see her not eat because 'she's not hungry today' or 'she had a big lunch' or 'oh i ate a lot while cooking yours'. And suddenly I see where my unhealthy relationship with food comes from. I see where my insecurities within myself come from. I see where my completely distorted self confidence and self esteem from. And I see how this becomes one huge cycle, getting passed on from generation, but where does it stop? When does it end?
Well I've decided that it ends here. Kids are not on the cards for me any time soon, but one day I do hope to have children, and I REFUSE to pass on those batons. I refuse to let me children, or my nieces, or anyone I have any opportunity to mould, believe that what the mirror says about them is all that's said about them, and that they are so much more than that. They're not beautiful because their jeans say size 10, they're not beautiful because the scales show the right numbers, they're not even beautiful because I say they are, they're beautiful just because they're beautiful.
And I guess that starts right here, right now, with me. Dealing with my issues, my messed up way of thinking. I don't think it'll be easy by any stretch of the imagination, but it's how it has to be. Fixing my weight is only one side of the coin. You can't fix a leaky tap by just turning off the water, it's still broken, you've just taken away the physical sign of it. In the same way, if I don't do something other than lose this weight, I'll still be broken. So I need to fix deeper within me.
Hey,
ReplyDeleteI really like your blog, I linked to it from the minimins forum. Just a thought, but, I am reminding you today of what you said about negative batons being passed [ there are positive batons passed too] and about it stopping. Soooo I am gonna suggest you change your [amusing] profile pic on the forum to one that shows YOU more as the lovely woman you are. All that advice you gave to your niece, tell it to yourself too. Drop the unhelpful baton and pick up a golden shiny one of your own choosing, you are right, you are lovely, weight doesn't define us and we do deserve to be happy and healthy. The photo is funny but as a gift to yourself pick another one that portrays you as how you deserve to be seen[ and probably how others see you].I am speaking as a world class f***wit of course. It takes one to know one as they say. I have issues too and I am beginning to realise the only way to let them go is facing them head on and replacing those unhelpful thoughts with positive ones, consciously, deliberately and repeatedly. Bit of a long haul but worth it. Thanks for sharing, hope you don't mind me saying this.